Self-imposed fears

I believe there are no limits on the amount of fears your psyche can produce. Absolutely none. I have found that I can be perfectly safe, in a perfectly happy family, with no foreseeable fears in future, and yet, I still carry a laundry list of fears.

Fear has been a running theme for me for the past six months. It permeates my days and allows my mind to tell me why I am not alright as I am in that moment. Why I am unfixable. It isn’t a victim, self-sabotaging fear either, it’s simply there. It is as it is. I attempt to witness this fear, and the second I do it disapparates…like the Harry Potter wizards…the fear just leaves. :0

But why is it that I will live in total fear during an entire social outing – forgetting who I truly am and letting my fears run the show? How is it that some days I am in complete control and am able to witness my fearful thinking mind, while other days the fear completely consumes me? The fear is usually the same, too. “I will never be liked”; “I will never be loved”; “I don’t deserve happiness”. But some days…these fears just feel more real. WHY?!

Why is it that the fear that has run my life for the past six months is unable to rear its ugly head when I am posting a vulnerable share to my social media, while when I am in conversation with someone I love dearly, the fear decides to tell me that I am unloved by them?

I calm myself when I remember the quote at the top of this post; to love is to be successful. I am going to be okay, I keep telling myself. There are no metrics I must meet, social norms I must embody, or criticisms I must internalize. I simply am.

4 thoughts on “Self-imposed fears

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